today

today is the day that i realized i had no soul.

there. i said it.

just another manic monday

just got back from Yoshi's. Awesome. The food, the atmosphere, the glass fish tank, everything was amazing.

let's just recap my day, shall we?

woke up, met fabes for coffee, starting reading through music contract information/management information, went out to dinner, blogged. all in all, a fun day.

this week is going to be an interesting one for me...i have some major hurdles up ahead that i'm going to need to overcome and to do so, i need to make sure i keep a positive mental picture, and an upbeat attitude.

that's really it for now...i'm having a beer and thinking about climbing into bed for a early nights sleep. more in the next round...

maybe if all 3 of my readers are lucky, something interesting will happen tomorrow.

peace

t-minus 3 seconds to self destruction...

why not blog.

it's been a while since i've sat down and actually written anything on this he blog, and i have a lot to rant and rave about.

let's start with cars. i'm getting to the point of not liking cars. reasons: got $100 parking ticket, car got broken into, car got slammed into by a woman driving too fast when i was at a stoplight, gas prices....everything with cars basically.

________________________________

this is where i ended last week (maybe 2 weeks ago) and here is where i pick up.

March 11th, 2008


i'm in a shitty mood. my life is more or less shitty decisions. i can seem to get anything right.

i made a stupid choice a couple weeks ago and as a result, put my well being in jeopardy. you would think that after something like that....one would learn their lesson.

not this guy...

i continually make stupid choices/mistakes and pay the price later. case in point...yesterday...another bonehead move.

I'm not sure why i do the stupid things i do...it's almost like on trying to ruin my life purposefully...though not directly. just one time, i want to make a choice where i know that there will be no bad repercussions against me. i'll let you all know if/when that ever happens...

...but don't get your hopes up. it's been 25 years of mistakes, and i'm still going strong in the fuck up department.

but enough about me...or is it...?

i've decided to list our my top 10 fears (although the order doesn't matter)...

10. walking/running zombies
9. the dark
8. kraft mac and cheese (specifically the cheese)
7. death
6. not being able to be successful
5. confrontation
4. losing friends (either through death/or me doing something to fuck up a friendship)
3. staying at my current job for much longer/finding a new job
2. being alone
1. never being confident/comfortable with myself/my actions/my choices, etc

i know...it's kind of a "pity party" blog and i'm sorry to subject you all to it, but i can't exactly vent to co-workers about the happenings of my life....being a catholic school and all...

so, i don't know what to do...i need to live my life, but i can't seem to do it right. i'm tired of hearing people say "well, this is how you learn lessons/now you know"

yea...no fucking shit i know. i appreciate my friends who bring their concerns up to me. i know it must be tough watching someone you care about self destruct....

almost as tough as actually self destructing...

sorry...

haven't really been around lately...

i'll catch up soon. for now, enjoy this hot shit

105 Facts About You

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring? no

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 8 days in seventh grade

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? phish dvd

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE? not really...it never leaves my hand

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? went for a bike ride the other day...but i work at a dairy as well, so that's a work out right?

wait...does masturbation count?

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? music and drum gear

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? pizza.

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? breast size, then teeth

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG? right this second or in general, cause right now i'l listening to live daft punk, but in general, i'd say anything by phish

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? frisco

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED: acalanes in lafayette ca

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER: work: sprint personal: verizon

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE: Cinabon...or cinnabun...i don't really know

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD: um....working on a goat dairy...7 years and counting

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? no

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?: only at work....and to my parents

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED: sisters

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY: brett...i'd leave a message

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND: last weekend/monday night

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: the magic that is taco bell...

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD: "i did not have sexual relations with that woman...." but seriously, i'm sure i've heard worse.

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? mas saki

24. CAN YOU COOK? kinda

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?: Jeep Liberty (GO AMERICA!)

26. BEST KISSER: me

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: after the week which consisted of me getting a $100 parking ticket, my car broken into, then getting rear ended by someone driving too fast

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS: kraft easy mac....specifically the cheese

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: my tapeworm, tapey

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: too many to list

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?: 18 hours....yeah computer viruses

33. FAVORITE MOVIE? 13 days...i can watch that anytime

34. CAN YOU SING? yep

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? willie nelson (amazing)

36. LAST KISS? jeez....no idea...(i've been sitting here actually thinking about this answer for 5 minutes)

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: inconvenient truth (netflix). didn't watch it, just sent it back

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT: pants

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT: italy

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?: laptop

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?: dave chappelle

45. DO YOU SMOKE? not cigs, but yes, crack

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? depends on the night/company/alcohol consumption/etc

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?: my pillow

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?: maybe?

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? 4-5

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? pancakes

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: yep

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled with hot dog...heart attack, here i come

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?: no

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: alex k

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?: public safety at smc

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?: are you in the castro?

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?: 4.

59. ????? that is correct

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC: so let me get to the point, let's roll another joint. turn the radio to loud, i'm too alone to be proud. you don't know how it feels....to be me (tom petty)

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?: uh...the kind that is honey. i don't like jelly

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?: sure

63. CAN YOU SWIM? sure

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?: choc or coffee

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? i guess...just not folding them

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: being alone is my biggest fear. second biggest fear....commitment

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?: oh god yes...

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON: end of summer/beginning of fall

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? our sound guy yelling HEY into the mic all the time

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ? 7am

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?: jack frost nipping at your nose...and booze on your breath

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?: two thursdays ago, a parking ticket that is

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?: kitty girl (original i know...a female cat)

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?: it depends on how you mean a pirate....like the johnny depp pirate seems cool, but could get annoying really fast....but a real pirate could slit your throat and rape your mother and sisters....

hmm....i'll say butt pirates are cool.

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?? sat morning, working at goat dairy, then going to real job for 8 hours, then recording vocals for my band, then getting back to my apartment for the first time in 3 days, cleaning it, smoking a bowl with friends (about to happen...i'm so excited), then going to the east bay for music, then going to karaoke tonight...then working tomorrow morning at 9:30 am.

78. BIRTHDATE ? 8-31-1982

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE: happy

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?: yep. macbook pro for that ass

87. ARE YOU SMILING?: on the inside?

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW: yes

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?: anywhere will do

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?: no...would i go back if i could? maybe

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: always...it changes as the day progresses...currently it would be on Jay Brannan. soooooo hot....want to touch the hiney...

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME? Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?: blue? maybe orange

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?: yep (i work at a college which begins in august)

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?: mentally

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?: in the castro yes, on a boat, no

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER : two of them

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: kinda

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?: i want to know what love is....i want you to show me. i want to feel what love is, i know you can show me

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL? yep

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? sure do

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING? a cock ring. (actually no jewelry)

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY? dance like no one is watching.

as if the world didn't have enough hate...

so, as many of you already know, heath ledger died yesterday. i'm saddened, yes. he was young, attractive, and had a promising future. this was cut short.

so this morning, i am riding with a friend to work, and she mentions that fred phepls, the bigoted fuck that runs the Westboro Baptist Church in kansas, he announced that he and his congregation will be picketing ledger's funeral because "ledger thought it was great fun defying god (in reference to brokeback mountain)."

what the fuck is this guy's deal?

i strongly encourage all 12 of you that read my blog to visit some of the websites that phelps runs. some are somewhat humorous, in the sense that this guy clearly has too much free time, but others are somewhat alarming. he has a clock counting how many days matthew shepard has been in hell among other things.

http://www.godhatesfags.com/
http://www.godhatesamerica.com/
http://www.thesignsofthetimes.net/
http://www.godhatessweden.com/
http://www.godhatescanada.com/
http://www.godhatesireland.com/
http://www.godhatesmexico.com/
http://www.hatemongers.com/
http://www.americaisdoomed.com/
http://www.yourpastorisawhore.com/
http://www.godistheterrorist.com/
http://www.smellthebrimstone.com/
http://www.fredthemovie.com/
http://www.priestsrapeboys.com/
http://blogs.godhatesamerica.com/


i wrote an email out to friends regarding this whole "picketing" plan and the more i think about it, the bigger the pit in my stomach gets. its sickening to think that someone can be filled with this much hatred and anger.

i was born and raised catholic but in the last few years i have distanced myself from the church. i found it difficult to accept something into my life that couldn't accept my life/lifestyle. i always did, and still do, believe that jesus/god/whoever it is, is accepting no matter what you are, who you believe in, what you believe, etc.

i really am kinda at a loss for words about this...(which is a first for me)

maybe i'll have more to say later. check out some of the websites if you can....

word.

i have a dream

so to comment in the spirit of martin luther king jr...i blog.

so, i went and saw Mad Money last night with ayoub. in a possibly related note, i may have caught a cold. not sure, but i think katie holmes, queen la-queefa and diane keeton are to blame.

but in all seriousness, the movie wasn't that bad. it kinda made me want to rob the Federal Reserve...seriously.

why does that happen? What is it that when you watch something about robbing banks, or selling drugs, or any sort of crime, you want to do that for a living? (does that make sense?)
allow me to further explain...

example 1: BLOW (the movie, not the drug)

maybe it's the thrill of the sale, trafficking, possession, or whatever...when you watch how much money they make in that movie, you can only want to get in on the action. that shits crazy. it's a fact that when you watch this in a group of people, someone will think to themselves, "man, how am i not doing this...look at all that money....i could have that..." (it's true...someone will think of this/say it).

example 2: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

i don't need to explain. the title says it all...

so, the movie made me want to steal money...i won't. i hope...

so, tonight...let's talk about tonight...
rtb is actually going to try to record for the first time. we are talking a serious recording too...we need something that we can start to hand out to people to get them interested in us. keep your fingers crossed, and in honor of martin luther king jr...i will eat chicken and drink 40's all day.

peace

happy friday

so...yea. i was down in the dumps last night....especially the second half of the day.

leave it to a sent im to brighten my day up.

started talking to an old a friend of a friend, and we just had ourselves a nice old time. Long story short, i went to bed last night feeling wonderful and in a better head space than i had been before. i totally overreacted with what happened with the hetero gentleman, and this is something i always do...i get in a huff and am moody until eventually brings me out of it. man i'm a woman.

so, submitted my resume the other day...now the tough part of waiting and hoping they contact me. i am not getting my hopes up, but at the same time, i am a little more optimistic this time around. speaking with a friend the other day, he even commented about how i am in a better head space and how much better my resume was. again, not going to get my hopes up too much. whatever happens happens. no regrets.

can i say how much i love grace woods. the girl brightens my day...she is such a gem. i get to sit in with grace and her band the grace woods trio for a song during their cd release party. this is both a thrill and an honor to be able to play with them. I wish them the best of luck in their future as a band, and look forward to sharing another venue with them.

as for the weekend, i'm heading to sac tomorrow night, then coming back monday afternoon/evening...working tuesday...mac world weds.....jury duty (ha ha...duty) thursday....work/jury duty friday...(the verdict is still out on this one....ah shit i'm witty).

other than that...i'm content with life at the moment.

peace out.

sigh....wrong again

so, the guy i mentioned in the last blog,

i was wrong. straight.

i always seem to do this...it's not like i try to find straight guys attractive, but there is something about them that is so....enticing.

I met him nearly 3 years ago at a concert. we talked, got along, smoked, laughed....

i asked him later if he was gay, he never responded. i figured that was a no.

fast forward to last friday...at my show...

there he was, still beautiful, still smiling, still remembering me.
we talked, laughed, smoked, got along...

but i misread it...as usual...like there was something more there. He was touchy...i was confused. He seemed interested in getting me alone....wrong again.

i kinda knew that this wasn't going to happen, but i was trying to convince myself that i was wrong.

on the upside, at least i didn't have to ask him if he was into guys...he answered it for me.

so, i was going to see if he wanted to go see a show this coming saturday night...which would have been a day before i met him 3 years ago...not as some aniversary bullshit, but more as friends, but he said he's busy. as a result, i'm going to sac to see my best friend (and one of the few people brave enough to live with me) brett. if anyone can pull me from the hands of depression, it's the gutman.

but to close out...

i don't blame anyone, especially this guy...he's awesome and i'm thankful to have him as a friend....even if that's it.

SICKY McSICKERSON

everyone seems to be getting sick...myself included.

i'm congested like hell and nothing really seems to be doing the trick. so, today i will be relaxing and taking it easy. perhaps some law and order, little pot, perhaps some food...

also, i'm in the process of trying to uncover the truth about a guy i recently ran into again after 2 years....

more to follow later.

just a light drizzle this am

uh....it's fucking rain balls here.

we have a gig tonight and i can never figure out why the weather seems to fuck with us so much.

so, yesterday was just kind of a dull day for me. i worked on my resume and tried to get as much stuff in order as i could, but it was hard to focus on stuff. i was thinking about tonight's gig and all of our songs, the changes, the stage set up, the load in/load out, the lighting, the mix, the mics, the words to the songs, etc...

i had a band practice with one of my other bands last night and i realized my energy was lower than usual...and it worried me...i noticed that i wasn't hitting the drums with my normal exuberance....

is this a warning sign? let's hope not. we go on at 10 tonight, so lets just hope that all goes well.

more later...when i'm not so fucking tired.

resume finished

now i'm just trying to get the final kinks out of it...

then it's submission time....

keep those fingers crossed.

ps...couldn't fall asleep at all yesterday until i finally passed out at 11:30 pm. i never left my apartment/bed all day either.

definition of a winner: me

huh...so this is what death feels like

to begin, happy new year. 2007 is gone like my sexual appeal and 2008 is in like ....well, whatever is in right now.

so, the title of today's entry...

that's how i feel. yes i know that you are not supposed to drink copious amounts of alcohol, but you're also not supposed to pick a scab.....however, we do both because they are oh so fun.

quick run through of the night.

6 pm: walk with jake to take the 24 bus to somewhere, switch buses and end up in the marina.
6:30 pm: arrive at the beautiful apartment of K.P and her roommates to begin the festivities.

here's where it gets a) hazy b) random and c) memorable (also, i lost track of time, so we'll just stop listing those now)

people arrive, friends and strangers are greeted alike and everyone has a blast. the jungle juice is not really juice as it's more just a shit ton of alcohol poured into a giant bin with a serving apparatus attached to the side with string. the fridge is packed with beers, and there are enough teqitos to feed all the little starving children all over the word.*

*there were bagel bites but myself, patrick, and jake did our duty as americans to more or less eat somewhere around 50 bagel bites before the guests began arriving.

so we eat, we drink, we are merry. around 10:30 pm, a giant limo (this shit was big) shows up. roughly 25 of us pile in and we take off for Temple on 2nd and Howard to catch some great dj's...namely MoPo who we hired to spin at the Barnyard Booooogie back in november...which, on a side note, seems like so long ago.

so we are in the limo, laughing, drinking, having a blast and we get to the downtown portion of sf. suddenly, the limo crashes into something....and that something is an suv. the limo's airbags deploy and drinks spill everywhere. we are all kinda in shock and confused about what happened. being the steadfast and adorable leader that amanda is, we follow her instructions (actually, it might not have been her, but lets just glorify her anyways) to exit the limo...

out pour 20 something people on to Howard Street...the damage to the limo is legit...the radiator was leaking, the front end was all smashed in, and for the suv, we somehow managed to rip the spare tire off the back, as well as bang the shit out of this womans car. being as there was a strong belief that the limo driver may have been doing some celebrating himself, he didn't exit his car once, but instead, waited for us to exit, then drove off...with the pissed suv woman following behind...whether or not they settled things will remain a mystery to this tall, lanky fellow.

so we enter Temple after the long walk down Howard and this place is rocking. we stayed there for a while, danced, rang in the new year, danced, and.....i made out with some girl named megan....she was a great dancer and we were dancing up on the stage behind the dj's. it was awesome.

so, 2 am rolls around and MoPo goes on. he tears that shit apart. he has the potential to be one of the greatest dj's out there. i strongly encourage everyone who reads this blog....all three of you, four including my mom, to check him out.

http://www.musicv2.com/artist/motion_potion

so, 4 am (ish) arrives and we greet it with open arms. at this point, it's jake and i, and maybe 2 others at Temple still...at least in our group.

jake and i decide to fend for ourselves and find a cab...it takes us 35 minutes of walking up market street to finally get one.

we get to jake's and he realizes that he doesn't have his keys, so we break in by climbing through his window. finally around 4:30 am, i climb into his roommates bed and pass out, or try to...all i can hear is thumping bass echoing in my head...its still there right now.

the sun wakes me up at 7 am when i realize that jake's roommate's room has no curtains in it to protect my weakened body from the light.

i'm up...and with me, once i'm up, i'm up for good.

so, i dress myself, which was a struggle, grab my keys, make the bed and hit the road. i swing by walgreens (bless them for being open) and buy 4 strawberry c-monster odwalla drinks. this has become my new favorite...good by cool ranch doritos...hello odwalla.

i get home, still kinda shaky (i still am) and open my computer and start typing...

end scene.